Eyes to See, Ears to Hear

I heard on the radio this morning that Fall will officially be here this weekend.  To Dana and I, this time of the year is one of our favorite especially since we were married on October 2.  This year, watching the leaves turn and thinking about “change” carries a new meaning to me.  I am one to usually like change.  I like a new picture on our homepage.  I like a changed path of commute on the way to training.  I like furniture being rearranged.  But, something I’ve noticed that I don’t like to change is myself.  I in no way shape or form mean that in a positive way.  You see, I’ve got a pride problem that God is helping me see.  I am guilty of going through each and every day on my own.  God is with me and in me, but I’m talking about seeking Him first is what I’m not doing.  Yesterday in Sunday School, we talked about change at one point in the class.  God really used it on me because he brought some things to my mind.  Recently, especially since all this training began, I’ve sensed some bondage in my life and I couldn’t figure out what it was or from where it was coming.  I could only feel its effects.  Well, I cried out to God in my heart yesterday that He would not only reveal to me what the bondage was, but that He’d also free me from it.  The word change took me right to the problem.  I didn’t want change in me.   If I didn’t want change in me, then I didn’t want God to change me.   And, I saw that if I claimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior yet didn’t open myself to be molded to be like Him, I was living a contradiction.  No wonder I felt what I did.  I strut around like a missionary who is crazy about God yet I believe the lie that I’m okay, that I’m alright, that I have arrived and am in a better position than those around me.  Yes, because of my pride I have exalted myself above others and its impact on me hurts.  So, now what?  Well, liberation came when God put the choice in front of me.  I could continue down the road I was on, struggling in my own strength just to handle the worries of each day, telling myself that I’m okay since I’m not an alcoholic, a pimp, or a drug dealer.  Or, I could make a change.  I could feel myself cringe at that thought which only confirmed my problem.  God was drawing me to Himself and I cringed?!  That could only mean that I definitely was on the wrong road by heading into each day on my own.  Opening up to change meant that I would no longer sit on the throne of Jonathan, but that God would.  God, I want change.  I want to be changed.  I want You to change me.  I want to be changed in the best way possible and that cannot come from my hand.  I want to rely on You for change.  I trust You to lead me.  I trust You to sanctify me.  I trust You with me.  I’m sorry my pride had caused me to believe the lie that I could be god of my own life by not seeking your guidance each and every step of the way.  I don’t want to be out here alone for a single second.   -we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us-      Hebrews 12.1b 

Don’t do what I did and just write off the things God was trying to use in my life.  He’s been bringing this up to me for a while but I told myself, “I already know that.”  Knowing it isn't making the difference in my life.  Surrender is.