Eyes to See, Ears to Hear

I originally posted this under the title Depression on our first website.

As the Dogwood bloomed outside our kitchen window, I sat with an empty stare wondering why this beautiful tree was another thing on my list that I really wasn’t able to enjoy.  All the things that had brought joy to my life had once again turned into motions and shallow activities merely to sustain existence.  This was my third bout with depression which paralleled the previous in many disturbing ways.  It had taken me months back then to admit to myself that I had a problem.  My never-ending battle with pride had carried me dangerously deep into the darkness and now its impact was severe.  I thought it was up to me and my will power to make it right and get myself out of the rut, but I was horribly wrong.  The admission is always the first step to recovery; the first step to getting you back.  It was the first step to getting me back.

So, there I sat at the breakfast table staring at such beauty in the blooms and appreciating none of it.  The depression had also distanced me from my wife in the same way.  Such beauty sitting right in front of me and I only had the inability to appreciate her.  I know Dana felt helpless and confused as she didn’t know how to help but her love and dedication never phased.  The further one falls into depression, the stouter the distancing defense mechanism of the mind gets.  I’ve compared it to the ‘snowball effect’ as once it is started it goes down a very long sloping hill.  But, it was Dana who God used to open my eyes and get me to the point of admission.  She was the one who didn’t back down or leave my side regardless of how much she struggled with what I was enduring.  She was the one who sat on the couch that day and got me to realize I needed help.  All of me was gone.  I had used up every last bit of my energy fighting off reality as long as I could but my foe was exponentially bigger than I ever could be. 

Dana helped us get to Dr. Robert Shive, a semi-retired Christian psychiatrist who knew quickly at our first appointment what the problem was inside of me.  I began seeing him once per week and started taking Welbutrin XL, the same anti-depressant that helped in bout number two.  Dr. Shive made me agree that once we found the right dosage and mixture of medication that I would continue taking it for at least 12 months.  We finally hit the right one two months later in May by augmenting the 300mg of Welbutrin with 30mg of Cymbalta.  It was a long summer last year that included some fierce battles within me.  By God using the medication He allowed some gifted scientists to discover, my ability to think a solid rational thought actually began to come back.  I really knew things were turning when the beauty of His creation once again took me in awe.  Sunsets grew more brilliant by the day.  The color of the trees exploded with their vibrancy.  The songs of the birds chimed loudly and perfectly on every single note.  I was getting me back.

I personally didn’t like the fact that it took daily medication to get me to a stable mental condition.  Since I was now better in my opinion, I anxiously looked forward to May 2006 when the commitment period came to its end and I could become independent of having to take drugs.  April came around and my appointments had dispersed to once per month for 30 minutes as a simple check-up.  One afternoon, Dr. Shive called me to tell me that his semi-retirement was now turning to full-retirement effective immediately, thus my therapy with him ended.  I didn’t mind and actually became excited because I figured it would allow me to stop the medication a month early.  Cymbalta was the first to succumb to its weaning end.  I remembered the side effects I had for about 10 days when I began to take it in 2005, so I expected some withdrawal symptoms in ending it.  There were definitely some effects but it wasn’t until almost one month later that I realized they weren’t just from withdrawal.  I noticed the ‘mind fog’ starting to show up again.  I noticed I was feeling down sometimes for no reason at all.  I noticed that one possibility Dr. Shive and I had discussed had become a reality.  The reality was and is that the chemical make-up of my brain needs a ‘balancer’ more-than-likely for the rest of my day.  That was 180 degrees from what I wanted.  I didn’t want to have a dependency on a drug for the rest of my life, but even more than that, I didn’t want to ever go back to where I was, anywhere close to the darkness again.  With all things measured, I realized it was a great trade-off.  I began taking the Cymbalta again.

So, here I sit, mid-summer 2006, still on my full dosage of Welbutrin XL and Cymbalta and the ‘mind fog’ rests in the far distance.  Do I think the medicine takes away from my sole dependency on God?  Definitely not.  I used to thing that way all the way up to my third bout, but I know the error in that thinking by unfortunate experience.  I had to step back and look at the big picture of God and His sovereignty.  He has blessed us with gifted scientists and doctors for thousands of years that continue to discover the intricacies of His handiwork.  Two discoveries He has helped mankind make are Welbutrin XL and Cymbalta.  They didn’t originate from the mind of man, but from the grace of God.  Clinical depression is a physical ailment that requires constant monitoring and medication just like diabetes or high blood pressure.  As a diabetic would not dare go a day without insulin, neither will I without my anti-depressants.  To do so would be foolish and make me a poor steward of what He has given us.

U.S. News & World Report Health Center (http://www.usnews.com/usnews/health/hehome.htm) reports that “In any one-year period, 9.5 percent of the population, or about 18.8 million American adults, suffer from a depressive disorder. Depression can strike anyone regardless of age, ethnic background, socioeconomic status, or gender.”  My heart sinks in knowing there are that many people in America alone who suffer from the darkness.  Knowing the impact it has just on the quality of life hurts me to my core as millions in this country are trapped in this crippling condition.  I almost cry as I sit here and think of them and the battle in which they’re fighting.  Depression can be like floating in the middle of the ocean during a storm and struggling for your next breath.  Charting a course in life and getting to the next port-of-call is a far cry as the waves continually crash on your head.  But, there is hope.  Someone out there near you and He is there just for you. How do you get to Him?  You don’t.  He gets to you.  How does that happen?  He can hear your faintest whisper of a cry even in the crashing waves and the howling wind.  The only thing you have to do at this point is realize you’re in grave danger out there and that you need help.  Call out for help and it will come.  What you need to know is that the Maker has known and always will know exactly where you are and will ever be.  He awaits your whisper to ask for help and He will readily send it.  “Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, ‘Lord, save us! We are perishing!’ But He said to them, ‘Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?’ Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. So the men marveled, saying, ‘Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?’ (Matthew 8:25-27)  He is the Source of all life.  He is the Creator and the One who loves you in eternal ways.  He is the One who doesn’t need a ship to rescue you from the storm because He has infinite power over the raging wind and sea.  Power that has no beginning and will never have an end.  My healing began when I noticed I was treading water in a storm and needed help.  I called, He came and gave me life again.  “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you.’” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This spring, the Dogwood in our backyard was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen.